Introducing Katie

My most dreaded 4 letter word is....

2011-03-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

DATE. (Insert dramatic music here) BUM. BUM. BUM...

I personally think it should be a rule that if people like me (awkward and very much lacking in the dating skills) should get some sort of free pass or something if they have to go through the dating single world more then once. I mean I barely survived my first go round.

I have felt for a few months that I am ready to get myself out there and date again. But guess what? Not so easy for this gal! I'm not flirty. I don't stand out in a crowd. I very much like standing in with the crowd. And while I can be my humorous entertaining self with my friends and family, I turn into a dorky awkward mess around men. I will be completely honest and admit that the male gender intimidates me. And we all know that men are attracted to strong confident women.

Well here is the thing about me... I love who am for myself, but when it come to how others see me I am not so confident. It's something I am working on. Believe me when I tell you I was much much worse. It was sad.

But going through what I did with my divorce and everything I have come to accept and love me. Sure I still have my down moments. But I am growing and improving who I truly am.

So here is my point... That ugly scary 4 letter word... DATE... I'm going to make friends with it. I'll just start off slow and get to know it a bit better, maybe actually try it out. Find a way to put myself out there.

I've got a whole lot to offer and so staying single forever is out.

And I really can't be the old crazy single lady in town. I don't like cats.

Letting myself cry.

2011-03-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

I must admit that I have a hard time letting myself feel sadness or grief. I fight back tears and try my hardest to be tough. But lately I simply can't do that anymore.

I was talking to my mom about trials and the importance of accepting them. She said something that has hit me hard. I can't feel bad or wrong about feeling pain or sadness in my trials. There is nothing wrong with admitting that life is hard right now. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying about it.

I have been like this for years. I watch a sad movie that everyone else is crying their eyes out over and I may shed a tear or two. And it's not because I didn't feel that heartache or sadness, but I make myself not cry over it. That can't be healthy right?

Well tonight I think all my built up emotions have burst loose. I am like a flowing fountain of tears. I could fill the great salt lake. And I feel OK. I needed it.

I mainly write this so I can let it all out. I doubt anyone will read or even benefit from my random late night rambling. But this is what I want you to get out of it if you are reading...

Life is full of so many emotions. Happiness is one I feel everyday. But I only know of this great joy because I also feel sadness and pain from time to time. I know how great I have it. But that doesn't mean I don't have my trials that I have to work my way through. There is nothing wrong with letting yourself cry when you are sad or hurt as long as you can see the blessings through your tears.

I am blessed. And I need to stop crying so I can get some sleep.

Shedding the problem

2010-07-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

I know I have mentioned that I have been much more active these last couple months. And the most obvious reason would be to lose the weight I have been packing on for the last... well.... since I can remember. Well actually, when I was a sophomore I liked where my body was. I was very active in high school but never really was "skinny". I have 3 beautiful sisters and a gorgeous mom who NEVER had to worry about weight. They were blessed with slender forms and I was cursed with being "big boned" as some call it.

But my main dislike was ALWAYS (and still is) my bust. I have been doomed to the bra since I was like 3! OK OK.... Maybe not that young, but it was soon. Even now as I have been losing lbs. and inches I just can't seem to lose the dang things. My sisters all tease me that I stole theirs, but I would like to think that I was being selfless and saving them from back pain, dipped shoulders and a lifetime of ugly "supportive" bras! Oh and don't get me started on swimwear!!!

I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready to work out that I am losing more then fat. It has been a very long time since I could say that I liked me. I didn't like me. I always wanted to be someone else. I wished over and over that I could have this sisters talent or that sister's smarts or the others looks... and so on and so on..... I would look at friends that had something I wanted and felt cheated.

I think that I really realized that I was my own self when I was talking with a friend who has been through a lot... A bad marriage, divorced, single mom, image problems, and a crazy diet! A lot of the women in my little town, and a few men, did this diet where they inject a pregnant hormone into them and then only eat like 500 calories a day. I don't totally understand the diet and maybe I got it wrong. But that's what I have been told. Non the less, there have been pills that have caused health problems and even death. There have been eating disorders. I have had a dear sister suffer from that one. I know as people in a world of perfect bodies thrown at us from the media that it's hard to know who and what we should be. And I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I do. I can almost understand why people do these things to lose the weight they have fought with for so so long. So I hope I don't hurt any ones feelings.

(I have always tried not to post pics of my body. Always said things like- "One day I will be skinny and then I can." No more!)

A few months ago I not only started the lbs., but also the problem. And that problem is not seeing myself as a certain body type, but as Katie. I have big boobs! And I am NOT going to be "skinny". I wish more women would shed this problem. I know how hard it is to go shopping and not be able to even try on a cute dress or fit right in a swim suit that I love. It's hard cause not much is made for us real women. But I hate that there are women out there doing crazy diets and putting themselves in unhealthy situations.

I hope I'm making sense. I know I'm probably the only one who might read this, but it helps me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this.... We are all individuals, daughters of God. He made us all different. And that means that we are not all made to be thin and what the world has told us is what we should look like. I will never be a slender woman. I have curves and boobs. I am never going to be like my sisters. But I know now that that is OK! It's GREAT!!! No crazy diets for me from now on. I'm going to strive to be healthy and happy.

I have shed the problem and I've never felt better.

letting go of letting go

2010-06-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have a long standing history of letting things just go. Oppotunities, dreams, myself.... so on and so on.....

I don't know why I have this problem. I always wanted to go back east and be a nanny. Didn't do it.

Wanted to learn guitar. Nope.

For years I have wanted to do a CD of inspiring music. HAHA. Yeah right!

There have been jobs and adventures and even nights out with the girls. Let it go.

I decided this year that I wasn't going to make a specific new years resolution, but instead I was going to prove myself wrong by doing things I never thought I could or would do. First on the list was running a 5k. It wasn't easy to get into the swing of running regularly but after a while of fighting myself to get up and run... I have done 3 races and I will have 5 under my belt by the end of July. I have to admit that I am proud of myself. It was really hard. Still is. I race against myself, my past.

I think about where I was a year ago and I have a mixed salad of emotions. I had just been officially divorced and was trying to figure out what my life was meant for. I remember the moment I realized I was actually divorced. It was like someone came and took a load of bricks from my back, set them aside and then slapped me across the face. I had a few months of confusion. I wasn't the woman I thought I was. I felt like I was lost. I didn't know who Katie was anymore.

Well, a few months ago I finally found out that I am a better me. I began to push myself and not let things go by. I took the CNA course (love it) and I began running. It was scary to step outside of my safety bubble. I don't think I am fully out of that bubble. And then I have the wall around my heart that was constructed from pieces of my broken life.

I don't want to be this way. I know I'm doing better but I still have a long way to go.

I am letting go of letting go. I double dog dare me to take life by the horns and tackle anything that crosses my path!

WOW! A dare..... OK! I accept! IT'S ON!!!

Chit chat

2010-06-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I got to spend the evening with my dear friend Joyce. I love this girl SO VERY MUCH! We have know each other since we were tiny.

After we got her lil man Mr. Jack to bed and went on a little bike ride around town we ended up at her parents house and spent the night setting on the front porch in a couple rockers talking. I love chit chatting with this wonderful soul. She gets me.

We talked about her life as a mommy and wife. And how she misses her awesome husband who is currently in South Africa at the world cup (his dream land). We talked about hardships and changes in life. About prayer and the gospel in our lives. But then we began to talk about how my life has changed this last year.

I was talking to her about a couple things going on and a few experiences from the recent past. She asked me if I have been keeping these thoughts and stories in a journal and I had to think.... Nope. No journal. I need to do just that. Write it down. So.... From now on I am going to add a story, experience, or thought that has helped me. I don't know if it will help anyone else but I think that it will be good to have for myself to read later.

But for now I'm too tired and need to get to dreamland so I can get up to go hiking in the morning.

I'm gonna reel you in.

2010-01-05T13:01:00.001-08:00

There is this Nancy Hanson song that goes a lil somethin like this.. And I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, although you're puttin up a fight baby, in the end I'm gonna win, cause I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, and with a heart that's strong and steady I won't be givin in, I'm gonna reel you in.

So whats the point of me telling you that?

OK! I'll tell you!

While ice fishing a few days ago I didn't catch a DARN thing. And honestly fishing is a patience building hobby. And Ice fishing is even worse. I found myself drifting in thought about hos ice fishing could be compared to life.

We're not going to always catch the biggest prize winning fish right away. And every ones fish represents something different... A career, love, school, an answered prayer..... on and on....

There are many who will give up on their big catch. Many will take what they get on the first bite. Fishing and life takes patience.

Am I rambling?

As I was having this slice of genius thought, I began thinking about my big fish! My catch is many things! And I have a very VERY hard time with being patient. I want SO badly to have the life I know is waiting for Coop and I. It's out there waiting for me to come find it!

I was told a couple days ago by a good friend that in order to have that life I dream of I need to live the life I currently have. Make sense??? OK!

I realize and know I have to work for that life. Keep moving on! Keep working and striving for what is out there for us. And day by day I will get closer to who I am supposed to be. God knows who I am capable of being. He knows what I need.

And with a heart that's strong and steady, I'm gonna reel it in.

Emotional workout

2009-12-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

WOW!!!
All I can say that explains the emotional week I am having.
WOW!!!

Just between us... I've cried EVERYDAY this past week. My heart has been filled with every emotion!

EMOTIONAL CHECK LIST
sadness - CHECK
happiness - CHECK
Loneliness - CHECK CHECK
love - CHECK x infinity
anger - CHECK
hope - CHECK
discouragement - CHECK
joy - CHECK
fear - CHECK
trust - CHECK

I'm sure there are a few more that I have missed but you get the picture right? OK!!!

Christmas time is such a beautiful time of year. I love everything about what it should be. And to be honest I am starting to realize that what I think and hoped it would be was not this year. I was without my child. No one to love and kiss under the mistletoe. I had no one special to give my gift of love to. It was in a way a lonely Christmas. But I still had my family. And most of all I had the love of my Savior.

It was so hard to be strong for everyone around me. I prayed so hard that I could be strong and not let my heart break show. I didn't want to be the fragile thing everyone had to be careful with and worry about. I prayed for strength to keep my tears hidden. It was weird to feel it for the first time the calm that came over me when I would start to get upset. It was like my heart would start to break and just when I thought it would, I would be covered with such a calming peace. I knew that I would be OK. I heard a still small voice tell me as my heart broke that I was going through these emotions for a reason. I know that I am loved. My Father in heaven loves me. He gives me what I need to get through the trials I am and will face in the future.

When you hit the bottom and feel such sorrow it makes you understand. Understand what life is about.

I long to feel loved again. I ache for my sons arms to be around my neck. I pray that I can be the woman God knows I can be. I know what I am supposed to do in this life.

LIVE ~ LAUGH ~ LOVE
And I know I can't do it alone. But I'm OK with that.

365 days

2009-12-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to make sense of what I am feeling.

I can't.

When the clock struck mid-night and December 17th rolled back around I felt a deep sadness. But that really didn't last too long. I cried for a couple minutes for what has been lost.

I cried for my Cooper.
For his loss. For his innocence.
He has been a victim in all of this.
I cried for my past.
I cried for my future that will not be.

Then...

I wiped those tears and found myself looking to the future.

I have survived this first year. It wasn't easy! But I was so worth it. My life is so blessed. I know in my soul that I have a purpose in this world and that the things I have gone through have made me a better daughter of God. I also know that the things I have felt and learned need to be shared. I have so much to look forward to.

Love
Life
Success
Family
Fun

One day I will be blessed with an eternal partner to love and be loved by. Someone to grow with, have fun with, cuddle with, talk to and be with for eternity.

I have hope.
I have a beautiful future ahead of me.
I have a son who loves me.
I have my Savior and He has saved me so many time. Lifted me up when I was down. And carried me when I had no more strength to go on.

And I need to thank SO many for all they have done and given to me this past year.

Mom,

Thank you for your love.

I remember the feeling I had when I first saw you after it all and I knew I would be OK as soon as I was in your arms. I wasn't home until I was in them.

So many times you have done all you can to keep me going this past year. Everything from movie nights to building a camp fire in the driveway and helping me laugh and smile when I needed to.
I pray I will be able to be as wonderful a mom to Coop as you have are to me.

Thank you mom

I love you
Katie

Dad,

Thank you for always being there for me.

And thanks for being the man Coop has needed in his life. Cooper loves you.

I love you so much
Katie

Sal, Jeff, Mandy, Ronnie and Jamie, (and company)

How could I not have made it through this past year when I have you all? You have all been there for me and done so much for me and Cooper.

I remember when Jamie and Jennie came in the front room and we danced to that song :-)
I knew I would be OK. And the days I started to forget that one of you was always there to remind me that I was loved and someone believed in me.

I am so blessed to have such loving, fun, amazing brothers ans sister.

I love you
Katie

Family and friends,

I have had SO much love and support beyond my immediate family. Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, kind words, hugs, nights of laughter and support.

I have come to find out who was true and who was not.

Thanks

I love you
Katie

Cooper,

Where do I start? How do I express how I feel about you?

I love you more then words came express. You have blessed me with so much love and happiness.

I love you!

There were time when things were so tough that I wouldn't have been able to make it through the day had it not been for you. You keep me going.

I love your funny sense of humor, you silly dancing, how you get so excited about the little things. I love when you wake up and run and jump on my lap. I love everything about you.

I promise you I will do all I can to give you the life you deserve. I will be there for you. I will always love you. I want you to be SO happy.

Thank you so letting me be your momma.

I love you more then words can say.

Love,
Momma

I am so blessed.

And I know I have been a second chance at the life I am supposed to live.

I will not take that for granted.

I'm ready for the next 365 days.

motivate me.

2009-11-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being tired! I want and need to get into shape. I think most women get so worn out by their day to day lives that we forget to take care of ourselves. I know I have.

To be honest I am OK with the way I look. I'm curvy! (nice way to say chubby) LOL I wouldn't be upset about losing some weight though. I know I have to lose weight to have more energy and be healthier. I need to be healthier. Physically, mentally, emotionally! I have gone through SO much this last year and I feel like I have been beat up in every way.

I know I would be happier if I took the time to focus on my health and work out each morning. But why can't I get my "curvy" butt out of bed???

I'm tired. It's cold. And I am simply LAZY!

I need motivation! I need a kick in the "curvy" butt!

allowing laughter

2009-11-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here listening to Coop giggle and laugh.
Amazed at how easy it is for him to find joy in something.
I think about how I love to laugh.
I don't laugh as much as I used to.
I want to be happy enough to laugh when I want to. I feel like I don't let myself laugh and giggle when my heart tells me too. It's like I am telling myself... STOP! Don't be happy! DANGER!

If I'm not happy then I can't get hurt. I won't be disappointed.

I hate this about me. It's not the real Katie. Katie is loving and fun and a big ole GOOF! Just ask my family. I think they miss Katie. The person I am is not me.

You know those dumb scifi movies were aliens take over bodies and take over the world???

I feel like that sometimes. Like my body is being inhabited by some cranky, sad, downer alien.

Satan got to my ex and broke up an eternal family. And now he is trying to break me. He uses my heart break and trials to bring me down.

NO WAY!!! Not happening MR!!!

I'm done feeling like this!
I'm going to laugh!
Right now!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! (Im really laughing)

And one day my fake laughter will be genuine and I will be able to smile when my heart tells me to.

Life is so fragile.
Short.
IMPORTANT!!!!

Someday.

2009-10-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Each day is different.

Some days it grows higher.

Others... it's broken down a little.

It's there...

Gaurding. Hiding. Growing.

I don't want to be hurt again.

I want to be loved.

I want to love.

Our family isn't complete.

I tell myself it is.

The only thing to make it better....

Someone to love us.

An eternal bond of love.

Trust. selflessness.

The priesthood to be present.

Some days I want to find him.

Maybe he'll find me.
But I worry.
Can he climb my wall?
Can I climb my own wall?
Someday.....

In my heart....

2009-08-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

there is hope, love and a longing I have felt for SO long. It's like I am a new person these last few days.

Cooper spent the weekend with his dad this weekend so I finally went to have some weekend fun. I really didn't think I would be able to have fun when my baby was away from me. I still have such a hard time being away from him. I know I always will. But this weekend was better. I still missed him like mad, but I also had fun. It has been a very very long time since I have had this much fun. And while I was hanging out with and meeting other fellow single folks and other members of the divorce club (there are way too many divorced people) I realized that I love my life with Coop. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!!!! But at the same time I know that I need to spend some time for me. And not just a nap here or there... real time. Staying at home while Coop is away is TOO miserable. I can't do it. From now on I need to go some where for those weekends and have some fun.

This weekend I met new people, laughed, went to a birthday party, laughed, survived a singles dance, danced and laughed at the same time, turned a guy down... it's OK... he was too old to be asking me to dance, saw a dear friend, laughed and was happy... the happiest I have been in a while. The only thing that could have made me happier would have been to have my baby with me. But I know... I know... I have to face reality! Every third weekend I have to turn my angel over to his dad, they need time together.

After all the fun and happiness I have had this weekend I want to make sure I do more fun things in life. No more one days and maybes.... No tomorrows... Only today's!

My heart is full... My life is blessed.

A tool in his hands.....

2009-07-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

Church was so amazing today. I felt the spirit so strong during sacrament meeting and it has stayed with me through out the day. My darling friend Becky and her husband Gaylen and her new RM sister Sarah spoke and they did so great. Just about every fast Sunday Becky shares her testimony and she is touches my spirit every time. Well this talk was so full love the spirit. she spoke about the pioneers and then about how we can be pioneers in our time. She talked about how we all have the responsibility and chance to be a tool in our Father in heavens hands. I want to be a tool in His hands. I want to be a pioneer in my time. I want my life to mean something. I want my trials and hardships to shape me into the woman my Father knows I can be.

Some days I feel like I have so many emotions racing through me. I am so thankful but also hurt, happy to have my Coop but sad to have him gone, I'm SO very lonely but don't want to be around people and I am upset that my life has gone in the direction it did because of someone else's decisions but I know that this trial will mold me into the woman I want to be. And I know that this can be a negative or a positive effect on my Coop. I can't control what my ex does in this life. I have a very hard time knowing that he is not being the dad Coop deserves and needs. I get SO angry and upset that Coop has to be around things I don't agree with. I pray constantly that I will be able to be a good enough mother to me baby so that he will know right from wrong. Because being a mom is the most important roll I have.

I am SO thankful to be a mother in Zion, to have the things I do to raise my son with the love of Christ in our home. when I had Cooper I found a whole new meaning in the primary song, I am a Child of God. Before I sang it from a child's perspective, but now I understand it as a parent. I must lead, guide and walk beside my Coop through his life as his mommy, just like my mom did for me and my grandma for her and so on and so on........ And I know that the only way to be able to do that is to remember my Father in heaven and Savior. If I obey the commandments they will aways be there to lead me, guide me, walk beside me.

Katie

I don't get it.....

2009-07-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been SO hard for me. Cooper has been with his dad since Friday and my heart has been breaking since he left. It's hard to have my baby away from me. I try to relax and have fun but it's not that easy. When you are a single mom and the only love you feel is the love you get each morning when your child comes shuffling down the hall and that smile stretches across that sweet face because he sees his momma. Or when I get a simple sweet Hi momma or a hug, I melt. That is the deepest love any woman can feel. The love between a man and a woman is so different then the love between parent and child. and since I don't have the love of a man the love from my Coop keeps me going. So honestly when he has to be away from me I feel terrible.

I have been told by others who have gone through divorce and are surviving the wonderful world of visitation that it will get easier to have to be away from my baby. But I just can't understand how. I almost feel guilty that I could enjoy my time while he is away. And I really can't imagine my heart not breaking each time he drives down the road with the man who broke up the family I thought would be together forever. It's just SO messed up.

I know I have a lot to get through in this life. And I need to remember all of my many many blessing, but right now I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of hurting. I just want to forget about that man sometimes.

But my dedication to prayer and communication with my heavenly Father has got me from Friday to today. I am loved and that love has gotten my through so much.

Katie

Dear Father......

2009-07-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

I teach the valiant 12 class in my ward and I have learned SO much since I started teaching. I feel like I have been the student and the spirit my teacher. I will admit that I have not been the teacher I could and should be. I wait till the last minute sometimes to get my lesson ready. And today I studied the wrong lesson. I really must try to do better. I am a instrument for the lord to teach these kids the things they will need to make it back to our Father. Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic but primary teachers are more then just babysitters.

Today the lesson was on the dedication of the Kirtland temple. What a great lesson! At one point I asked the kids what they thought it meant that the temple was dedicated. One boy raised his hand and his response was, “to be dedicated means to care enough about something that you don’t give up, you keep going.” It wasn’t the answer I was looking for but it was the answer I needed.

Am I dedicated to the thing the thing that are important to me? Do I give up? At times… Yes. What I mean is that I, just like the majority of the world go through my own ups and downs. But I feel like I have more downs then ups when it comes to my dedication to things.

No more! I’m going to be dedicated in the things that are important to me, first and fore most in my religion and beliefs. I am a daughter of a divine God. My Father in heaven has blessed me dearly to be born into the one and only true church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have been given gifts to help me through this time on earth and I don’t feel like I have used them as much as I need and should. I am going to communicate with my Heavenly Father more. I always have a prayer in my heart, especially since Cooper’s dad left. Prayer is the main thing that has gotten me through these last few months and it will be what keeps me going. And while I have little prayers always in my heart I don’t always take the time to kneel in prayer and communicate with god. I would be heart broken if I knew cooper was having a hard time or needed someone to talk to and he didn’t come to me. I think that’s the way God must feel when he sees me going through so much and I don’t talk with him. There have also been times when I have hurt so badly and the tears would not stop and all I wanted was to talk with someone who could truly understand my pain and let me know that they were OK. I would think that even though others have had their spouse leave them and then have to go through such a terrible thing as divorce, but they still couldn’t feel exactly how I feel. Oh how I was wrong. There is someone who felt every little pain and disappointment I feel. My Savior went through all that pain and MORE for me… for you. I feel like a baby sometimes when I realize I have gone through So many nights with my tears and loneliness. I didn’t have to feel so alone. If I would have just picked myself out of my self pitty party and knelt in prayer my tears would still be there but the loneliness would have been long gone.

I know also that through prayer and communication with god I will recieve help int he other areas I am weak in. I will kneel in prayer each morning, night and any other time I feel the need to communicate with my loving Father in heaven.

Katie

who's that girl?

2009-07-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

I started this blog to help me get to know myself again. After going through my divorce I have come to realize that I have push myself out of my own life. I don't even know myself that well. Who am I? What do I like? What is my fashion? What is important to me? What do I want to do? What don't I like? Well... I am going to find out.

I love my life, don't get me wrong but I haven't really been living. I want Cooper to be proud of who his momma is. And I want to be the best momma for him. And I can't do that by just making it through day after day, I need to enjoy and live each and every day. Make the most of each day! Rain or shine!

I am going to start doing things differently.

First- I am going to love myself more. How can I expect anyone else to love me if I don't love me?

Second- I am going to take better care of myself, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Third- I want and need to discover my personal fashion. I have been just covering this body of mine and not dressing it. I want to look good and be happy with my look.

Fourth- This is probably the most important of anything. I want to be a better daughter of God. Serve others, be an example to those I love and live the life my Father in heaven would want me to live.

This blog will be a way for me to get to know myself. I am going to blog about new experiences, dating (YIKES), exercise, adventures, learning how to sew, craft, quilt, and just have fun. If you have any suggestions for me then let me know. I'm going to be open to most suggestion. :-D

I am writing my life as I live is.

Wish me luck!

~Katie