My most dreaded 4 letter word is....

DATE. (Insert dramatic music here) BUM. BUM. BUM...

I personally think it should be a rule that if people like me (awkward and very much lacking in the dating skills) should get some sort of free pass or something if they have to go through the dating single world more then once. I mean I barely survived my first go round.

I have felt for a few months that I am ready to get myself out there and date again. But guess what? Not so easy for this gal! I'm not flirty. I don't stand out in a crowd. I very much like standing in with the crowd. And while I can be my humorous entertaining self with my friends and family, I turn into a dorky awkward mess around men. I will be completely honest and admit that the male gender intimidates me. And we all know that men are attracted to strong confident women.

Well here is the thing about me... I love who am for myself, but when it come to how others see me I am not so confident. It's something I am working on. Believe me when I tell you I was much much worse. It was sad.

But going through what I did with my divorce and everything I have come to accept and love me. Sure I still have my down moments. But I am growing and improving who I truly am.

So here is my point... That ugly scary 4 letter word... DATE... I'm going to make friends with it. I'll just start off slow and get to know it a bit better, maybe actually try it out. Find a way to put myself out there.

I've got a whole lot to offer and so staying single forever is out.

And I really can't be the old crazy single lady in town. I don't like cats.

Letting myself cry.

I must admit that I have a hard time letting myself feel sadness or grief. I fight back tears and try my hardest to be tough. But lately I simply can't do that anymore.

I was talking to my mom about trials and the importance of accepting them. She said something that has hit me hard. I can't feel bad or wrong about feeling pain or sadness in my trials. There is nothing wrong with admitting that life is hard right now. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying about it.

I have been like this for years. I watch a sad movie that everyone else is crying their eyes out over and I may shed a tear or two. And it's not because I didn't feel that heartache or sadness, but I make myself not cry over it. That can't be healthy right?

Well tonight I think all my built up emotions have burst loose. I am like a flowing fountain of tears. I could fill the great salt lake. And I feel OK. I needed it.

I mainly write this so I can let it all out. I doubt anyone will read or even benefit from my random late night rambling. But this is what I want you to get out of it if you are reading...

Life is full of so many emotions. Happiness is one I feel everyday. But I only know of this great joy because I also feel sadness and pain from time to time. I know how great I have it. But that doesn't mean I don't have my trials that I have to work my way through. There is nothing wrong with letting yourself cry when you are sad or hurt as long as you can see the blessings through your tears.

I am blessed. And I need to stop crying so I can get some sleep.

Shedding the problem

I know I have mentioned that I have been much more active these last couple months. And the most obvious reason would be to lose the weight I have been packing on for the last... well.... since I can remember. Well actually, when I was a sophomore I liked where my body was. I was very active in high school but never really was "skinny". I have 3 beautiful sisters and a gorgeous mom who NEVER had to worry about weight. They were blessed with slender forms and I was cursed with being "big boned" as some call it.

But my main dislike was ALWAYS (and still is) my bust. I have been doomed to the bra since I was like 3! OK OK.... Maybe not that young, but it was soon. Even now as I have been losing lbs. and inches I just can't seem to lose the dang things. My sisters all tease me that I stole theirs, but I would like to think that I was being selfless and saving them from back pain, dipped shoulders and a lifetime of ugly "supportive" bras! Oh and don't get me started on swimwear!!!

I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready to work out that I am losing more then fat. It has been a very long time since I could say that I liked me. I didn't like me. I always wanted to be someone else. I wished over and over that I could have this sisters talent or that sister's smarts or the others looks... and so on and so on..... I would look at friends that had something I wanted and felt cheated.

I think that I really realized that I was my own self when I was talking with a friend who has been through a lot... A bad marriage, divorced, single mom, image problems, and a crazy diet! A lot of the women in my little town, and a few men, did this diet where they inject a pregnant hormone into them and then only eat like 500 calories a day. I don't totally understand the diet and maybe I got it wrong. But that's what I have been told. Non the less, there have been pills that have caused health problems and even death. There have been eating disorders. I have had a dear sister suffer from that one. I know as people in a world of perfect bodies thrown at us from the media that it's hard to know who and what we should be. And I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I do. I can almost understand why people do these things to lose the weight they have fought with for so so long. So I hope I don't hurt any ones feelings.

(I have always tried not to post pics of my body. Always said things like- "One day I will be skinny and then I can." No more!)

A few months ago I not only started the lbs., but also the problem. And that problem is not seeing myself as a certain body type, but as Katie. I have big boobs! And I am NOT going to be "skinny". I wish more women would shed this problem. I know how hard it is to go shopping and not be able to even try on a cute dress or fit right in a swim suit that I love. It's hard cause not much is made for us real women. But I hate that there are women out there doing crazy diets and putting themselves in unhealthy situations.

I hope I'm making sense. I know I'm probably the only one who might read this, but it helps me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this.... We are all individuals, daughters of God. He made us all different. And that means that we are not all made to be thin and what the world has told us is what we should look like. I will never be a slender woman. I have curves and boobs. I am never going to be like my sisters. But I know now that that is OK! It's GREAT!!! No crazy diets for me from now on. I'm going to strive to be healthy and happy.

I have shed the problem and I've never felt better.

letting go of letting go

I have a long standing history of letting things just go. Oppotunities, dreams, myself.... so on and so on.....

I don't know why I have this problem. I always wanted to go back east and be a nanny. Didn't do it.

Wanted to learn guitar. Nope.

For years I have wanted to do a CD of inspiring music. HAHA. Yeah right!

There have been jobs and adventures and even nights out with the girls. Let it go.

I decided this year that I wasn't going to make a specific new years resolution, but instead I was going to prove myself wrong by doing things I never thought I could or would do. First on the list was running a 5k. It wasn't easy to get into the swing of running regularly but after a while of fighting myself to get up and run... I have done 3 races and I will have 5 under my belt by the end of July. I have to admit that I am proud of myself. It was really hard. Still is. I race against myself, my past.

I think about where I was a year ago and I have a mixed salad of emotions. I had just been officially divorced and was trying to figure out what my life was meant for. I remember the moment I realized I was actually divorced. It was like someone came and took a load of bricks from my back, set them aside and then slapped me across the face. I had a few months of confusion. I wasn't the woman I thought I was. I felt like I was lost. I didn't know who Katie was anymore.

Well, a few months ago I finally found out that I am a better me. I began to push myself and not let things go by. I took the CNA course (love it) and I began running. It was scary to step outside of my safety bubble. I don't think I am fully out of that bubble. And then I have the wall around my heart that was constructed from pieces of my broken life.

I don't want to be this way. I know I'm doing better but I still have a long way to go.

I am letting go of letting go. I double dog dare me to take life by the horns and tackle anything that crosses my path!

WOW! A dare..... OK! I accept! IT'S ON!!!

Chit chat

A few days ago I got to spend the evening with my dear friend Joyce. I love this girl SO VERY MUCH! We have know each other since we were tiny.

After we got her lil man Mr. Jack to bed and went on a little bike ride around town we ended up at her parents house and spent the night setting on the front porch in a couple rockers talking. I love chit chatting with this wonderful soul. She gets me.

We talked about her life as a mommy and wife. And how she misses her awesome husband who is currently in South Africa at the world cup (his dream land). We talked about hardships and changes in life. About prayer and the gospel in our lives. But then we began to talk about how my life has changed this last year.

I was talking to her about a couple things going on and a few experiences from the recent past. She asked me if I have been keeping these thoughts and stories in a journal and I had to think.... Nope. No journal. I need to do just that. Write it down. So.... From now on I am going to add a story, experience, or thought that has helped me. I don't know if it will help anyone else but I think that it will be good to have for myself to read later.

But for now I'm too tired and need to get to dreamland so I can get up to go hiking in the morning.

I'm gonna reel you in.

There is this Nancy Hanson song that goes a lil somethin like this.. And I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, although you're puttin up a fight baby, in the end I'm gonna win, cause I'm gonna reel you in... reel you in, and with a heart that's strong and steady I won't be givin in, I'm gonna reel you in.

So whats the point of me telling you that?

OK! I'll tell you!

While ice fishing a few days ago I didn't catch a DARN thing. And honestly fishing is a patience building hobby. And Ice fishing is even worse. I found myself drifting in thought about hos ice fishing could be compared to life.

We're not going to always catch the biggest prize winning fish right away. And every ones fish represents something different... A career, love, school, an answered prayer..... on and on....

There are many who will give up on their big catch. Many will take what they get on the first bite. Fishing and life takes patience.

Am I rambling?

As I was having this slice of genius thought, I began thinking about my big fish! My catch is many things! And I have a very VERY hard time with being patient. I want SO badly to have the life I know is waiting for Coop and I. It's out there waiting for me to come find it!

I was told a couple days ago by a good friend that in order to have that life I dream of I need to live the life I currently have. Make sense??? OK!

I realize and know I have to work for that life. Keep moving on! Keep working and striving for what is out there for us. And day by day I will get closer to who I am supposed to be. God knows who I am capable of being. He knows what I need.

And with a heart that's strong and steady, I'm gonna reel it in.

Emotional workout

WOW!!!
All I can say that explains the emotional week I am having.
WOW!!!

Just between us... I've cried EVERYDAY this past week. My heart has been filled with every emotion!

EMOTIONAL CHECK LIST
sadness - CHECK
happiness - CHECK
Loneliness - CHECK CHECK
love - CHECK x infinity
anger - CHECK
hope - CHECK
discouragement - CHECK
joy - CHECK
fear - CHECK
trust - CHECK


I'm sure there are a few more that I have missed but you get the picture right? OK!!!

Christmas time is such a beautiful time of year. I love everything about what it should be. And to be honest I am starting to realize that what I think and hoped it would be was not this year. I was without my child. No one to love and kiss under the mistletoe. I had no one special to give my gift of love to. It was in a way a lonely Christmas. But I still had my family. And most of all I had the love of my Savior.

It was so hard to be strong for everyone around me. I prayed so hard that I could be strong and not let my heart break show. I didn't want to be the fragile thing everyone had to be careful with and worry about. I prayed for strength to keep my tears hidden. It was weird to feel it for the first time the calm that came over me when I would start to get upset. It was like my heart would start to break and just when I thought it would, I would be covered with such a calming peace. I knew that I would be OK. I heard a still small voice tell me as my heart broke that I was going through these emotions for a reason. I know that I am loved. My Father in heaven loves me. He gives me what I need to get through the trials I am and will face in the future.

When you hit the bottom and feel such sorrow it makes you understand. Understand what life is about.

I long to feel loved again. I ache for my sons arms to be around my neck. I pray that I can be the woman God knows I can be. I know what I am supposed to do in this life.

LIVE ~ LAUGH ~ LOVE
And I know I can't do it alone. But I'm OK with that.